A Useless (Yet Plentifully Sexy) Day

For some reason unknown to man our school district has decided not to give us two damn days off before Christmas eve which leaves us with a two day school week. Now, this may not be all that bad for the mindless drooling slobs that have no lives that go to my school (just picture every single other person aside from my friends) since they have nothing better to do with themselves then sit on their asses in school.

Not that I am saying school is bad, its just that there is no way in hell we are going to accomplish any constructive learning in these two days, the teachers don't even care enough to teach because its basically Christmas. Well, there is something sexy in this gigantic pile of poop situation that I am in; at least I get to brighten up my friends lives with fabulousness and gossip for an extra few days before the brake. Ahh gossiping is just so delicious, I can basically taste it on my tongue like a piece of thick rich chocolate.

So anyway, I socialized throughout most of my classes and free time of course since we didnt get any work. I mainly just harped on the fact that FRICKEN CHRISTMAS IS COMING, holy shit god it is going to be like one big orgasm (with thongs!!!!!!!). Tomorrow is going to be a great big sexy day since I get to deliver numerous gifts to a select few friends that I won't be seeing over the break. I am particularly excited to give Karen her kinky little thong since I know she will be the most enthusiastically horny over the whole ordeal.

Speaking of Karen, I noticed that she dressed quite well today (she usually doesnt dress badly, but her clothes just dont speak to me the way they should if they are extra sexy and delicately hand picked). Anyway, her boobs looked quite good and I was really ready to just blurt it out at the lunch table but the last time I did that she looked at me like I had a turd on my forehead. I dont know what I am going to do with Karen, she just doesnt know how to react to compliments from a man (which is no doubt a result of the fact that she never gets any). I really need to break her in (and no, not in the way that you are probably thinking, although in most other cases it would be what you are thinking) because she just needs to learn how to respond to sexy comments and tastes.

I still have to worry about wraping all these damn thongs. I gave Charlotte and Susan the big sexy bags since they got the most by far, and everyone else is just a toss up ugh, I dont like wrapping and I always forget that when I go on shopping sprees. All I think is "OMG look at all of these sexy thongs, I MUST HAVE THEM ALL!!!!!!" and then I buy all of them and think oh shit I cant just walk in the room swinging them around my head to give them to people. (although I wouldnt put it past myself to do something of that nature, because I TOTALLY would, and now that I think of it, I just might).

I just have to think of the perfect way to enter Mrs Sweetcheeks' house so that I can shock her with the perfect emotional mixture of splendor and discontent. It is really vital that I be very cautious because her x might be there and I dont want to prance in brandishing frilly thongs around him because hes a little old and might melt with horror or something. She can say what she likes but I know that Mrs Sweetcheeks is absolutely in LOVE with the idea of me hand selecting extra kinky underwear for Susan and Charlotte because who the hell could be better at doing that?

The day was pretty much as fabulous as a short day of school can get, but of course god or somebody didnt want me to be too happy, so as I was on my way out of the school, I saw Charlotte and Jeffery standing and talking to eachother as they stared into each others eyes as if they were both big thick pieces of ham that the other person wanted to feast upon. I wanted to go up and slap Jeffery's smile right off of his face, now that would have been a satisfying day, but for the sake of Charlotte, I refrained. GOD it made me SICK. But anyway, no day is perfect.

Oh Susan; You Naughty, Naughty Little Girl

As far as me and Susan go; despite the fact that she may like to think she is the less kinky one of the two of us, she is slightly mistaken. I know kinkiness when I see it, and Susan has tons of it smudged abundantly all over her face. This definitely isn't obvious to everyone else, but whenever I notice something that everyone else disagrees with, I am essentially always the right one.

Ok, so it might be true that Susan may have physically 'done' less kinky things than I have, but that does not mean that we can simply overlook her potential to commit kinky little deeds that I know she craves like strawberry cheesecake. One of the reasons that I know how truly kinky she is is because she is constantly accusing me of being a whore (which she assumes that I know is an exaggeration, and I do, but she still wants to get the point across that I am sluttier than she is). Which only shows her inner insecurity about how I have revealed my knowledge of her kinkiness.

Lets look at it this way because I have come up with a stunning analogy; think of a big chunky fat person that just walks around looking all chunky and stuff; it is pretty obvious to everyone that that person gorges themselves with food, right? Now think of a thin person, (I happen to be thinking of Jeffery because he is just basically a bony twig, but any thin person will do). No one would ever know if that thin person stuffed their face with food every night when they went home because they just happen to not have the big fat person gene. Me and Susan are EXACTLY the same, just replace the fat person with me and the thin person with Susan. Susan is just secretly kinky, and make no mistake my friends, there is no difference between secretive and open kinkiness because all they both come down to is KINKAY.

Please do not let that make anyone think that I am a big jiggly fat person and Susan is really skinny, it was only for the purpose of comparison. Ahh Susan, dont worry, your dirty little secret is safe with me. In fact, I take pride in my cunning and sexy capability of being able to read you like a book and you will always love me regardless. Oh Susan, you ferocious little sexwolf.

Catch 22?

I really don't know what to think and, quite frankly, that is shocking since I am ALWAYS decisive and prompt in my decisions. Jeffery is just such an obnoxious and exciting topic at the same time that it incapacitates my ability to sort out the two emotions and choose the dominant one.

Of course, we have been down this path many, many times before but I just can't seem to stress it enough to satisfy my ongoing discontent. First of all, lets cover how damn excited I get whenever Charlotte mentions getting kinky with Jeffery. I just get so overwhelmed with anticipation and sexiness that I get all excited for her because its as if Jeffery doesn't even exist; it is just the concept of Charlotte exploring her sexual instincts that is just fun to discuss. So I basically forget all about Jeffery and begin pouring my sexy ideas out all over Charlotte and help her plot her next move (let's just say i'm the best type of person to talk to about that sort of stuff in the whole freaking world because of my unparalleled expertise).

On the other hand, the second I see the bastard (Jeffery), my stomach turns over and I feel like vomiting. Just seeing him and Charlotte fills me with envy and an animalistic craving to destroy him. I'm just overprotective and there is no way anyone is going to stop me from feeling that way.

The real problem is, how do I balance the two emotions? Maybe if she could just be dating someone that I approve of (which is basically impossible because, in my opinion and probably the rest of the world for that matter, I am just the best person for Charlotte to be around. Or perhaps I could just deal with it (which is two demanding because I am not going to contain my fabulousness so that Charlotte can spend her time absorbing some social turd of a boyfriend). I don't know, I suppose I'll have to avoid seeing them together because other than that I get really excited for her. I have already established that some people get pissed at me when I speak illy of Jeffery. It is just too often that the two emotions clash, although, Charlotte seems to understand my emotional conflictions somewhat and therefore trys to ignore me when I insult Jeffery McTurdface. Thank god Charlotte understands me though, I mean, this is what I am always getting at when I describe how perfect me and Charlotte are together. Two fabulous people just understand one another and thats all that a sexy relationship comes down to. THANK GOD me and Charlotte are just the best.

Alright, I will try to make this the last post I leave on this topic. It just overwhelms me all the time and I find myself regurgitating it all the time. Particularly when I am really bored and decide to take time to reflect on the things that irritate me in my life (and believe me, there is NEVER a shortage of things that irritate me, because when you are perfect and everything else isnt, it just gets tiring doing all the criticizing) So tata for now.

The one and only pile of sexiness,

-Mr Bitch

Sexiness Summed up

Ok so its been a while since ive been inspired to write about my orgasmic life, (I can't be blamed, Ive been pooping my pants for the past month waiting for college admission stuff, well, not literally, that would be nasty, plus we all know im to good to partake in such foul activities.) So now comes the short, sweet and utterly drool worthy orgasmic sum up of my life for the past month.

So lets see, Trish isn't as hoplessly classless as I was prepared to think she was. Of course, I wouldnt have been friends of her if there wasnt at least a bulk of classiness left within her somewhere. So anyway, she has proved to me that she can rehabilitate her classiness since I went shopping with her on black friday which was just so simply orgasmic that I cant even begin to convey how orgasmic it was because I will just start orgasming while I try to do it.

CHRISTMAS!!!!! I fricken love christmas, I get to buy so many sexy things and get so many sexy things that it is just like one big pile of sexy that you can't not love. I was listening to chrismas music back in October much to Susan's dismay but whatever, she just doesnt know how to get into the holiday spirit a little early. I bought LOTS of thongs and I am dividing them up according to the strength of my friendship with all of my classy friends. Susan and Charlotte get the most, (and they are EXTRA kinky looking this year) then comes Trish who got the more expensive but a little bit more whorey thong, after that is Gretchen who gets the whoreiest thong on the planet since she has gotten extra frisky with her boyfriend (who I know accept as an affiliate of mine since he passed the test of at least acting as though he can meet my standards when in my presence). Then comes Karen, who gets a somewhat innocent thong (keep in mind that when I say innocent it means ultra kinky by any common person's standards) and it matches one that Susan is going to get!!! OH I am so clever i dont know what to do with myself sometimes....Oh and, by the way, its just a given that Ms. Bitch gets her own thong, which I carefully hand selected to balance class and kinkyness.

Now that ive gotten at least some of the Christmasgasm out of me, lets move on to Gretchen whom has partaken in some VERY serious sexual relations lately. I dont really know how to respond to her rapid uptake of sexual kinkiness. I'm not one to critisize, actually I am because I can always find a way to argue that Im better, except for with Charlotte since we are both eachothers other half. But anyway its not like ive never been kinky so I dont want to step in and tell her to back off but she has gotten a little crazy lately. She should at least keep it the hell under control in public, no one wants to see people cupping eachothers saggy asses in public god ugh that just pisses me off.

As far as Charlottes lover goes, well lets just say I dont loathe the douche bag as much as I used to but he still acts like a social turd whenever I try and talk to him. I think its because Charlotte has told him about me and whenever he sees me he is thinking "omg there he is, the one and only epitome of shimmering class, I dont know what to say because im just feeling so unworthy so i'll just say nothing" So i guess ive cooled of quite a bit, but I still think that i am just way above his level and that Charlotte could do astronomically better than him, but if she's happy then so am I. Personally I just fume every damn time she starts talking about how wonderful he is because I am the man in her life and I am not willing to make room for others to take a piece of my Charlotte cake. But I would never like want them to break up because I would NEVER do anything to hurt Charlotte, her happiness is everything.

Mrs Sweetcheeks generally doesnt approve of my thong purchasing extravoganza, but thats ok because I know the only reason that she is telling me that she doesnt approve is because she is an adult and she is obligated to do so even though she is really thinking "oh my god, he is just the best person ever and i love him and everything he does and buys" We will see how she reacts when i stroll into the house with hefty bags filled to the brim with sexy thongs on christmas, I'm guessing she'll just give in and tell me how much she loves me.

So that is essentially a briefing of what has happened most recently, I will have more soon because once I get back to posting on a regular basis I will be able to indulge in all of the extra sexy details of my life which are just so good that they are like chocolate for your eyes.

I don't Know Which One I Loathe More

Charlotte's and Gretchen's boyfriends piss the hell out of me (if you don't know why, refer to previous posts where I have bitched about them plenty of times before). God they just friggin piss me off, I can't wait until they break up. Other than the fact that they are both nasty vile beings, they capture Charlotte and Gretchen's attention ALL the time leaving little time for me, (I know that its really just Gretchen and Charlotte's loss by not spending time with me because they experience a fabulousness deficit, but none the less, why would I want to see them suffer?)

Jeffery(Charlottes lover) is so rude that he doesnt bother to say a damn thing to me and Jake (Gretchens lover) is just simply obnoxious to associate with. Jeffery hasnt even said thank you for the sweater that I let him borrow which pisses me off (you dont want to have to deal with a pissed off Mr Bitch; there are few things in the world that are worse). Today, Charlotte was with her lover every second as if she will wither and die if she leaves his side, and Jake hunts Gretchen down every free living moment he has.

I suppose I'll have to weather out the disgusting storm of nasty boyfriends until they end their relationships and fabulousness is restored.

NOW LETS TALK SPICEAYYYYYYYYYYYY OK, so I was in burlington all weekend and friday, and let me tell you it was overflowing with gorgeous people and class. Oh yes, the conditions were prime for me to go THONG SHOPPING and it was FABULOUS. I bought tons and tons of sexy thongs; I LOVE christmas shopping. (dont be mistaken; just having me as a friend is good enough of a Christmas present to last a thousand years, but I enjoy supplementing my fabulousness with a little dash of kinkiness). The thongs are so cute, I bought at least three for most of my close friends- Susan, Charlotte, Gretchen etc., it was just so fun. There is nothing quite like when a fabulous person gets to have a fabulous time because its just FABULOUS. Ahhhhh...it was wonderful, thank god for gifting us with the art of shopping, it sustains my life.

A Party Sprinkled with Orgasmic Spiciness

So this weekend I went to my friend Jenna's party and got a ride from Mrs Sweetcheeks along with Charlotte, Susan and Jeffery. Ok, this post is going to be filled with juice so I am going to have to separate each of the many topics that it will cover by paragraphs. Even the car ride was sexy which made up for the slight mediocrity of the party. It was a sweet 16 which made it all the more elaborate and fabulous than your basic party, which is just a prime environment for me to unleash my fabulousness and let it roam free to amaze the unsuspecting public.

Lets start out with the unconditionally sexy car ride. I called Charlotte and asked for a ride to the party knowing that she would say yes (why the hell would she ever pass up the opportunity to spend a little more time with me?) Then she tells me that Jeffery will also be tagging along for the ride (at that point I almost said "of course, I saw that one coming", but then I remembered that that night was Charlotte's night (for potential love making) so I backed off and decided that I would begrudgingly accept Jeffery's presence. The car ride actually turned out to be much more sexy than I had expected (specially with Jeffery being there). It was just a lovely time where I was able to allow my mind to spew all of its sexy thoughts all over everyone in the car, and they all loved it (Mrs Sweetcheeks pretended that my comments werent appropriate for her, but I know that she actually LOVES them but pretends not to because she has to play the role of the responsible adult).

Jeffery was actually quite sociable and, I cant believe Im saying this, was also quite pleasurable to have around. I find myself to be warming up to Jeffery and I dont like it because I hate him for the fact that he is Charlottes lover, but he actually has a decent personality so I like him at the same time, this is so not fabulous, my mixed feelings have foiled my ability to either like or hate this guy. So anyway, Jeffery really isnt that bad (ONLY as far as personality goes, other things like style, cleanliness, sexiness, all the things you need to be completely fabulous, etc. have little presence or are completely absent as far as he goes) I guess the point is that I find him acceptable to socialize with, though he is nowhere near as fabulous as me so dont be mistaken.

Once we joined the party, the spiciness shot off the charts. Gretchen was there (which is a whole different story for later on) and me and Susan got to dance and show off how well dressed and sexy we were and how simply overall magnificent we are. Trish and Violet were there, (taking up the opportunity to walk out on the dance floor and act like complete whores), god they dissapoint me sometimes. For the most part, Gretchen and Susan were graced with my stunning presence throughout the duration of the party (and i know they loved it). The party had an abundant amount of downfalls (food that tasted like burnt poop, pathetic floor plan, gaudy decorations) but all of the fall backs could be looked over since me, Charlotte, and Susan were there to fill in the gaps with our wonderous selves.

About half way into the party, Charlotte and Jeffery embarked on a seemingly never ending very public display of their affection for eachother that everyone noticed. They were hungrily embracing one another in that horny way, sucking on eachothers faces like lollipops. I mean, thats the way it seemed at least, they were actually nuzzling most of the time but it looked like they were smooching like there was no tomorrow. Now, I had known this was going to happen for a LONG time, I can smell those types of things like a fiesty cougar hunting down a zebra, but I really didnt want to believe that it would happen none the less. The moment I looked over and saw them out on the balcony, I was so overwhelmingly happy for Charlotte that I almost peed my pants and then a second later I was fuming with anger (And let me tell you, I am normally HOT if you catch my drift, but then I felt like a firey unforgiving blast of fury). I actually thought I was going to burn them with my vicious glance. I know that I can get pretty pissy sometimes, but I have rarely been that pissed in my entire life.

I really dont like seeing other men touch Charlotte, it makes me territorial. I am way to protective over her and when I saw her and Jeffery giving eachother some lovin I just had to force myself to look away because otherwise I would have uncontrollably walked over there and like torn his head off or something. This is just another instance of mixed feelings, and I always want whatever is going to make Charlotte happy to come true so my anger will never get in the way of that. I guess its good that I care so much about Charlotte, I just have to keep my feelings under control because, trust me, you dont want to set this sexy little love kitten on fire, otherwise your going to get clawed.

It was nice to get to be sexy with Gretchen for once without her lover Matt getting in the way. I was so damn happy that he wasnt invited to the party that I just had to share my joy with Gretchen (she wasnt too thrilled about how happy I was, but whatever, Im way better than Matt anyway so he can take that and shove it up his butt). Gretchen and I got down and dirty on the dance floor and made everybody jelous of how fabulous we are, which is always a nice experience. Theres still a lot of tention between me and Gretchen regarding Matt, much more so than the tension between me and Charlotte regarding Jeffery (since Charlotte understands how I am fabulous which gives me the right to feel however I want about other people). Matt is just one of those people that you get a bad feeling about, like he doesnt want what is best for Gretchen or doesnt really care about her enough. He is just a big douche who is wider than he is tall and basically looks like something a cat would puke up on the carpet. I dont want Gretchen to get hurt, but I guess I cant intervine because she is happy for the time being.

So overall, it was a decent night by the end of which Charlotte and Jeffery officially became lovers. And thank GOD they did, because doing the kinky things that they were doing and not being official is just absolutely trashy. I dont know how their love is going to turn out, but I do have a good feeling about Jeffery's intentions, he is a good person; but he is Charlottes lover and I hate him.

OH YES; The Kiss

I have been saying it was bound to happen (and am I ever wrong about things like sexual relationships; NO), So of course, as usual, I was right; Charlotte has finally taken the first MASSIVE step up the love making staircase with her new lover.

I just barely caught wind of this little bit of info late in the day. I didnt want to pressure her into telling me about her kinky little relationships or anything, so I try and wait for it to come naturally. I knew she would tell me anyway, Charlotte and I have a sixth sense, and that sense is the FABULOUS sense; its when two fabulous people can just tell what each other are thinking because only they can pick up on the signals of fabulousness floating through the air.

So it actually happened on Halloween (I think). Of course Charlotte had to push for it because Jeffery had no clue what he was doing (we all saw that one coming). He didnt even try to kiss her before he left the house OR on the front steps which is where it is ALWAYS supposed to be done (once again, I am not surprised). So he walks all the way to his car and gets ready to pull away with Charlotte standing there in the doorway clearly wanting some spiciness to satisfy her sexual lust. Charlotte had to run out to his car and practically force him to kiss her (that doesnt mean he didnt want to kiss her, because TRUST me, he definately did, she is WAY better than him, he just was too afraid or nervous). But anyway, she basically asked for it, literally, and she got it.

Now i'm not going to get carried away here because it was really just a peck on the lips, but let me tell you; knowing Charlotte (because we are so similar) she definately wants to get a little naughtier than that, because a peck is just far to tame. Me and Charlotte are not caged lions, we are free roaming beasts, and we like to get naughty, so thats basically how I know she wanted more than what she got. But, then again, the guy she has right now is pathetic so it will probably take a while for him to even attain the level of kinkiness (if possible) to Charlottes satisfaction. Charlotte will not simply settle for a mear peck on the lips, she longs for more, (and trust me, you can bet your sweet ass that she has done MUCH more than that in her day)

I'm still REALLY excited, because this means that we are in business as far as this relationship goes, and Charlotte will eventually get her sexual gratification. So I cant help but live vicariously through her, because we are just so similar and perfect that it almost makes me tearfull.